Jon Stewart is Trying to Destroy Me
Each day, as I watch the news, read the papers, and browse the blogs, my mind is constantly spinning with ideas to post here on WithoutAPurpose. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes me a day or two to get around to writing. Then, each night at 11 I face the crushing blow of hearing MY thoughts out of the mouth of Jon Stewart. I think to myself, "damn, why didn't I write that earlier today" before this thief at Comedy Central had the chance to steal my idea.
Here are a few recent examples:
- Last week during a press conference, Bush announced that his "administration is stable." Then yesterday he announced the resignation of Andrew Card, Chief of Staff. I had a nice story planned all about chaos (or maybe even Kaos) at the White House, and Bush's penchant for lying every chance he gets. Of course he knew last week that Card was on his way out.
So, what was the opening story on last night's Daily Show? First, footage of Bush's press conference from last week, followed by Cards' resignation. So what if you have access to video archives and fancy editing equipment while all my stuff is limited to HTML? Do you have to show off so much? Come on Stewart, try and tell me you guys thought of this one on your own. In fact, don't tell me, tell it to my lawyers (Eric, please expect a call from Comedy Central's legal department.)
- The Blue Ribbon panel I commissioned has released preliminary results of their research into the comedic aspects of the "Dick Cheney Shot a Guy in the Face" debacle. Stewart, the arrogant scofflaw that he is, ignored a subpoena to testify. OK, it was a few questions scrawled on a bar napkin and not an actual subpoena signed be a judge, but still he could have had the decency to respond. The evidence clearly shows that I deemed the Cheney story to be both funny and newsworthy while Stewart was still in bed sleeping. Yet, who got a week's worth of material out of it? That's right, liberal-hollywood-insider, Jon Stewart.
- And finally, the one that really kills me. Every year during the Acadamy Awards I tell my wife, "wow, this show sucks. Even I could do a better job hosting." Well, we all know what happened next. Ariana Huffington said it best when commenting on how Stewart should approach the Oscars,"politics and the Oscars have a long history of going together about as well as Muslims and Danish cartoons." In your face, Jon Stewart!
There are only two possible explanations for this situation. Either, 1)Stewart has conspired with the Bush Administration to wiretap my brain, or 2)Stewart is a comic genius, and great minds think alike. Since my comic abilities and sense of...um, um, oh yeah, timing are clearly in a different league than Stewart's, there's no other logical conclusion. He is using advanced technology to steal my thoughts. X-Rays confirm that they collaborated with my ENT to implant a brain scanning chip and transmitter during my deviated septum surgery last year.
In fact, maybe my septum wasn't deviated at all. The whole diagnosis could have been part of Stewart's evil plot to use my brilliant mind for his own evil purposes.
As if stealing my thoughts weren't enough in this competition for laughs and audience, Stewart stacks the deck. While I develop all of my own ideas and do my own writing, he relies on a staff of overpaid writers and producers to do the real work. When asked about this, Stewart tries to pretend he's innocent, saying things like "who the f... is Neal Fink?" But come on, if I had a big staff, a cable TV deal, a little more talent, and was maybe better looking, it would be Jon Stewart complaining to half a dozen people online while I raked in the big bucks on late night TV.
After ignoring my accusations for years, today Mr. Stewart finally tipped his hand, revealing his cowardace. I was speaking with his talent producer pitching an appearance by Ned Lamont (yes, Stewart even has a special person just to book guests; how lazy is that?) But, the Stewart people must have seen through my ploy. They told me they had to "pass for now" on a Lamont appearance. Some crap about how the Connecticut senate primary may not "resonate" with their national audience. But I know the real reason. They thought my Lamont pitch was just a ruse; a backdoor into the studio, where my fake-news nemesis, Jon Stewart, would be forced to face me in person. Scaredy Cat! Oh yeah, how does that "resonate?" And, don't think I'll remember this the next time one of your buddies wants to post a guest blog here at WithoutAPurpose.
Well, Mr. Stewart, you may have won this round, but the competition continues. The stats for my blog are climbing faster than your ratings. Soon I'll have more regular readers than you have domestic staff at your fancy Manhattan co-op. That's right, Stewart. I know you're shaking in your fancy suit right now while you read this. And, don't try and pretend that you're not DailyShow_JewBoy@aol.com that reads all my posts and e-mails veiled threats. I'm onto you.
Well, I have to wrap this up so I can go shove some tongs up my nose and yank out that evil braintapping chip. Be sure you watch The Daily Show tonight and see the nervous look on Stewart's face. If the show is a little less clever than usual, you'll know why.
Thanks for reading the blog and be sure to join us again tomorrow. Yes, Stewart even stole his signatgure sign-off line from me.